The American Revolution - OverSimplified (Part 1)

One day, the French said,

"I'm gonna build some forts along here.”

And the English were like, "Could you not?"

And the French said, "Sorry. But no, I could not not."

And they went ahead and built their forts, which pissed off the English. So they sent an upcoming British lieutenant-colonel by the name of George Washington, with a combined force of British troops and Native Americans. After a short battle, the French commander said,

"Alright, alright, we surrender."

"Ok, boys. Pack it up. They're surrenderi-"

*slice*

"Oh, sorry. Was I NOT meant to split his head open with a Tomahawk?"

"Ah, don't worry. It's not like this will start a seven-year long major global conflict."

And what happened next was a 7-year long major global conflict which Great Britain won!
(football's coming home plays)

At the peace negotiations, Spain gave up Florida, while France gave up all of its territories in North America. But Britain's victory came at a cost.

A £60 MILLION cost.

They were now broke, in a lot of debt, and had to come up with some way to repay it. So they went to the Colonies and said,

"Okay listen up. So a huge part of the war was spent protecting you from the French. And now we have no money because of it. So...”

“I'm not sure what you're saying here.”

“Okay. So, we spent a lot of money protecting you from the French, right?"

"Right."

"And now we're broke."

*subtle silence*

"That certainly is a pickle.”

“LISTEN TO ME. We spent all of our money protecting YOU, and now we need money. Can you please pay us back some money?"

"No."

"Okay, we're just going to go ahead and tax you."

In 1764, Britain introduced the Sugar Act, forcing the colonists to import sugar and molasses exclusively from the British, and to pay duties on them. Then, a year later, they introduced the extremely controversial Stamp Act, and it worked a little something like this:

"Hello shopkeep."

"Hello, Mr. Bungleberry."

"Here's the deed for your new shack. STAMP. That'll be three pence, please."

"Wait. What was that?"

"It's the new tax. I get a stamp on any paper or documentation I make, and you have to pay for it. Would you like to see this pamphlet that explains everything?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay. Stamp. 2 pence, please."

"This is awful! You know what? Just give me a deck of cards so I can go gamble my pain away."

"OK."

"No.. Don't do it."

"Stamp."

Obviously the colonists were like "Hey my dudes, this new tax legislation right here, This is *BS*"

Until now they had enjoyed relative freedom to rule themselves, and now suddenly Britain was asserting its control. They were especially unhappy because they didn't have any representatives in the Parliament that was levying taxes on them.

So they protested. Orators gave fiery speeches.

British goods were boycotted and anyone loyal to the British found themselves increasingly harassed. The whole thing actually began to take quite a toll on British business and after just a couple years the British were forced to repeal the Stamp Act.

"But we still desperately need money. What should we do?"

"We could try taxing the colonies."

"GREAT IDEA!!! Wait, didn't we literally just try that, and it failed miserably?"

"Man, look at me. I look fabulous. Have you ever seen such a handsome boy? No siree, Georgie. No way. You're the handsomest, smartest, most popular King that ever lived and everybody likes you. You're doing such a good job."

"Uh, Your Majesty ?"

"Oh, you're still here. Get the hell out."

So in 1766 the British made a declaration saying "We can do what we want, because we're in charge and you can all go suck it"

Then they levied a whole bunch of new taxes on the Americans via import duties.

Glass? There's a tax for that. Lead? There's a tax for that. Paper? Tea? Oil? There's a tax for that.

And once again The Americans boycotted British goods, British business felt the pinch, and the British had to back down.

"Alright, this is ridiculous. They're my colonies and I have to be able to assert my control. Repeal all the new taxes except for the one on tea. Also send 1,000 troops to Boston to take control. Oh and make the colonists pay for them."

And as British troops arrived, the tension in Boston is palpable, you could cut it with a knife.

And it was all about to come to a head.

On March 5th, a band of local Patriots began heckling a British guard at the Customs House. More and more Americans joined in the heckling, While more British troops turned up in support of their comrade.

Snowballs were thrown at the British. The snowballs turned to rocks. The rocks to oyster shells.
The soldiers, outnumbered. Panicked, one thing leads to another and you can see where this is going.

*Gunshots*

five civilians were killed. The Patriot pressed throughout the colonies declared the Boston Massacre an unwarranted crime committed against the people of Boston, by the cruel British.

And the anger continued to grow.

A British revenue schooner that ran aground in Rhode Island is burned by the locals. When it came to light, that the governor of Massachusetts supported the suppression of the colonists, his house was burned by the locals. And next, the colonists would set their sight on the remaining tax on tea.

On December 16th, 1773 a band of patriots known as the Sons of Liberty Disguised themselves as Native Americans, marched down to Boston Harbor. Boarded a British merchant ship loaded with tea. And in front of thousand spectators, threw nearly 10,000 pounds worth of tea overboard.

The British were disgusted, and they punished Massachusetts with a vengeance. They dissolved its General Assembly, revoked their charter, and sent 3,000 more troops to occupy the city. Meaning Boston and Massachusetts were now essentially under the direct rule of Great Britain.

And oh boy were the people pissed. The other colonies saw what was happening, and worried they might be next. So they called a brain trust to decide what to do.

Fifty-six delegates from 12 colonies gathered and met in Philadelphia at the First Continental Congress. And the roll call read like a who's who of America's finest thinkers I'm talking:

lawyers extraordinaire: Johnny A and Johnny Jay

Experienced military commander; George Washington

Businessman and future alcoholic beverage; Samuel Adams, Fiery Orator, Patty H

Guy who married a rich lady; (BIG) J Dickinson

And while they weren't present at the first Congress, soon name like James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and much later...Alexander Hamilton would all serve time in the Continental Congress.

The question now though, was what to do about the British. After much bitter debate and disagreement, they eventually agreed on an amazing solution.

They would simply ask the British to stop.

"Can you stop?"

"No."

"It didn't work."

"OK, then tell the local militias to start arming and be ready at a minutes notice."

And across the colonies, these Minutemen stood ready for the beginning of the American Revolutionary War.

Now having your colonies in open rebellion is one thing. Once they start arming themselves, that's when it really hits the fan. So British General Thomas Gage ordered 700 troops from Boston out into the rebel controlled Massachusetts countryside, to destroy stores of arms and ammunition held by the rebels in Concord.

The British set up in the middle of the night. Patriots including Paul Revere rode ahead to warn that the British were coming, giving the rebels time to prepare. The two sides met in Lexington as the Sun began to rise.

They faced off against each other, and in the confusion somebody shot first.

*Gunshots*

The shot heard around the world marked the beginning of the American War of Independence.

The rebels were outnumbered and had to fall back to Concord, as the British slit up to search for rebel supplies. However, more and more Patriot rebels kept showing up, and this time it was the British who outnumbered, as more fighting kicked off in Concord. The most professional army in the world was forced to flee back to Boston at the hands of local, poorly trained militiamen.

And all along the British route back to Boston, patriot rebels continued to gather an open fire on the retreating British. When the British reached Boston, the rebel militias surrounded them. Boston and the British were now under siege, as small landed naval skirmishes continued around the city.

And the British would suffer another embarrassing blow.